bin Williams: Then comes a very special time. Your first test as a father. A diper... you're ready. You may have been a lumberjack... you may have been a marine... you may have seen blood and guts. But you've never seen caca like this. it's incredible stuff; part toxic waste, part velcro.

bin Williams: You try and do special things for your kid. I thought "I'll take him to Disneyland. That'll be fun." Disneyland for a three year old... Mickey Mouse for a three year old... bullshit. Mickey Mouse to a three year old is a six foot fucking rat!

bin Williams: You know in England if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. So if you commit a crime: "Stop! Or, or I'll say stop again!"

bin Williams: Thank you. HOW... DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!

bin Williams: Here's a little warning sign if you have a cocaine problem: Number 1, if you come home to your house and there is no furniture and your cats going "I'm out of here, prick!" WARNING! Number 2, If you have this dream, where your doing cocaine in your sleep, and you can't fall asleep and doing cocaine in your sleep and can't fall asleep AND YOU WAKE UP and doing cocaine! BINGO! Number 3, If on your tax forms, it says "50,000 dollars for snacks! MAY DAY!

bin Williams: [as he drinks from a glass] A little sip of Perrier here. I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass. Not a good thing. [as a bystander] Hi, can I help ya. [as himself, drunk, turning an imaginary key in his ass] No thanks. It's just flooded. I'll be okay.

bin Williams: Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight you can tell what religion they are.