ll Bailey: The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
ll Bailey: N°18, see the Earth from space, conveniently forgetting become an astronaut at some point.
ll Bailey: I'd want to put some interesting ones in there, "n°67: lunge wildly at the pope", just to see what would happen.
ll Bailey: American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
ll Bailey: [re: the CBS evening news theme] It's like "and now some puppies will lick your face".
ll Bailey: I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organisation in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
ll Bailey: [describing his job as a pianist in a hotel reception] I'd be looking around at the clientele thinking "die. die now".
ll Bailey: I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
ll Bailey: [song] I was alone, my heart was cold, it was a stone, My soul was lonely like a stone there was no moss. And when I danced, I danced alone, But then I did not dance, because I was alone, so I did not dance. I shuffled through life invisible to all the happy couples Who would mock me with their merry laughter - ha ha ha. The only sound I heard in my lonely silent world was the rusty hammer of my heart, nailing at the hatrid of my soul... But then you came... And my life was turned upside down. You showed me the beauty of the things that I had never seen like, The snowflake that melts on the eyelash of a startled deer. Or the painting of a dog that wears a deerstalker and smokes a pipe that made you laugh so heartily, but I had previously thought was rubbish. Or the duck that lands so clumsily on the frozen pond in Winter, but the intoxicating power of our love transforms this simple act into an anthropomorphic drama. Where Mr Duck is embarrassed and the other ducks are laughing. Quack, quack, quack. And then you left. And I died a thousand deaths and I will die a thousand more. And I thought you were an angel but you turned out to be a whore. And everything has turned to dust and everything is infected with a plague - Why did you have to sleep with Craig? 'Oh, he's so sensitive, he's got a tattoo' Yeah, carving your name with a compass on my forehead was not enough for you! The snowflake on the eye of the deer has turned to pus that oozes from an open wound... The deer now blinded stumbles into a ravine. The duck lays shredded in a pancake, soaking in the hoisin of your lies. The dog has moved from a pipe to 60 cigarettes a day and coughs his life away in the cold neon research lab of your betrayal. Of your betrayal.
ll Bailey: I went to see Metallica - yeah, 'tallica! - and I went to see them at Milton Keynes Bowl. They were being supported by Marilyn Manson - I love Marilyn, Brian? I love Brian, he's great. But anyway what he used to do to get the crowd going was just chant the name of the place over and over. So we were treated to this magnificent spectacle of this eight-foot freak, eyes different colours, wearing a rubber corset, down on one knee shouting "MILTON KEEEEYNES". Stay with me to the grave, that will. ll Bailey: [plays guitar] Milton Keynes! Satan's layby!
ll Bailey: [singing] You picked me up from school, you attended all my sporting functions, you bought me a car, you gave me the use of a credit card, but how can I feel pain? How can I feel pain? How can I feel pain when you're being so supportive?
ll Bailey: A medieval roadie? Ah, one do I say, one do I say, one do I say, one do I say then surely two should follow, two should follow, two should follow, two should follow.
ll Bailey: Have you considered the Axis of Evil pension scheme?
ll Bailey: [singing] I texted you on a Monday but you did not get my text til Tuesday because of a network problem.
ll Bailey: If all else fails we always have Argos. With the laminated book of dreams.
ll Bailey: It's the Narnia of household goods, the Tardis of toasters.
ll Bailey: That's not a review, it's just biological field notes.
ll Bailey: Just a word of advice, don't dress up as a fox and try to lure the hunt over a bypass.
ll Bailey: You hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss.
ll Bailey: The tea and coffee making facilities left a lot to be desired.
ll Bailey: There's more evil in the charts than an Al Qaida suggestion box, isn't there really.
ll Bailey: Why would we invoke a so-called monotheistic deity to bail out these unelected spongers?
ll Bailey: [Just for those who want to know what "Three times a lady" sounds like in German] Wann wir sind zusammen / Diese Momenten ich verschätze / Mit jeden Schlag meines Herzens / Zu berühren Sie / zu halten Sie / Abfühlen Sie / Verlangen Sie / Es gibt nichts, das kann uns aus einander halten / Du bist einmal, zweimal, dreimal eine Dame / Und ich liebe dich / Ja du bist einmal, zweimal, dreimal eine Dame und ich liebe dich.
ll Bailey: I'm wearing the Britney style mike, I say Britney, it makes me look like a wizard in a call centre, a Klingon inspirational speaker.
ll Bailey: Anyone name some famous vegetarians? dience member 1: Ghandi! ll Bailey: Ghandi. dience member 1: Hitler. ll Bailey: Hitler... This is probably the only scenario where that person can shout out those two words, well maybe at a pub quiz. Maybe that's only scenario it would happen.
ll Bailey: Any other negative experiences of Marijuana? dience member 2: [from a distance] VOMIT! ll Bailey: Vomit! It's the one word heckle fantasy tonight, Ghandi, Hitler, Vomit!
ll Bailey: [the Ballad] I was alone my heart was cold, it was a stone / my soul was lonely like a stone - there was no moss / And when I danced I danced alone but then I did not dance / because I *was* alone. So I did not dance / I shuffled through life invisible to all the happy couples who would mock me with their merry laughter - "ha-ha-ha" / The only sound I heard in my lonely silent world was the rusty hammer of my heart nailing at the hatred in my soul / But then you came, and my life was turned upside down / You showed me the beauty of the things that I had never seen / Like a snowflake that melts on the eyelash of a startled deer / Or the painting of a dog that wears a deerstalker and smokes a pipe that made you laugh so heartily, but I had previously thought was rubbish / Or the duck that lands so clumsily on a frozen pond in winter / but the intoxicating power of our love transforms this simple act into an anthropomorphic drama where Mr. Duck's embarrassed and the other ducks are laughing, quack quack quack quack quack, / AND THEN YOU LEFT! / And I have died a thousand deaths and I will die a thousand more! / I thought you were an angel - you turned out to be a whore! / And everything has turned to dust! Everything is infected with the plague! / Why did you have to sleep with Craig? / "Oh he's so sensitive, he's got a tattoo." / Yeah, carving your name with a compass in my forehead was not enough for you! / The snow flake on the eye of the deer has turned to puss that oozes from an open wound / The deer now blind it stumbles into a ravine / The duck lies shredded in a pancake, soaking in the hoisin of your lies / The dog has moved from the pipe to 60 cigarettes a day, and coughs away his life in the cold neon research lab of your betrayal.
ll Bailey: Just goes to show, vegetarianism not all it's cracked up to be, can in some rare instances lead to genocide.
ll Bailey: [song] I texted you on a Monday / But you did not get my text till Tuesday / Because of a network problem / I texted you on a Wednesday But did not know that you'd called / Because your SIM Card was not correctly Installed / Oh, no no no / You texted me on a Thursday To say that you would meet me at the Shopping Centre / And i texted you back and said / "Where should i meet you?" / And you said Dixons But i did not know which Dixons you meant / Was it the one inside the door / Or was it the one further up by Currys /... These are my worries / You texted me on a Monday / To tell me it was over / But i did not understand / Because you used Predictive Text / And it was jrrg gruuh nnmmg guu hmmg doo doo doo...
ll Bailey: I suppose I should introduce myself because some of you must be thinking "God, this roadie's a bit up himself. Just a 'one-two, one-two' and a 'done, mate'".
ll Bailey: I'm English and as such I crave disappointment.
ll Bailey: Little Chefs, originally built on ley lines then the roads came in and connected them up.
ll Bailey: Milton Keynes, Satan's layby.
ll Bailey: I went to see Metallica - yeah, 'tallica! - and I went to see them at Milton Keynes Bowl. They were being supported by Marilyn Manson - I love Marilyn, Brian? I love Brian, he's great. But anyway what he used to do to get the crowd going was just chant the name of the place over and over. So we were treated to this magnificent spectacle of this eight-foot freak, eyes different colours, wearing a rubber corset, down on one knee shouting "MILTON KEEEEYNES". Stay with me to the grave, that will. [plays guitar] Milton Keynes! Satan's layby!
ll Bailey: The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
ll Bailey: N°18, see the Earth from space, conveniently forgetting become an astronaut at some point.
ll Bailey: I'd want to put some interesting ones in there, "n°67: lunge wildly at the pope", just to see what would happen.
ll Bailey: American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
ll Bailey: [re: the CBS evening news theme] It's like "and now some puppies will lick your face".
ll Bailey: I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organisation in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
ll Bailey: [describing his job as a pianist in a hotel reception] I'd be looking around at the clientele thinking "die. die now, you smug bastards".
ll Bailey: I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.
ll Bailey: I'm like a post-modern vegetarian. I eat meat... ironically.
ll Bailey: [some questions asked by the Australian immigration officials]... Have you ever made a nest among marshland, have you ever lived for a time as a hermit or wildman?
ll Bailey: Thankfully he had an overhead projector with him.
ll Bailey: I was at a Whitney Houston gig, it was supposed to start at three, finally at four o'clock she comes on stage and says "I just wanna say, I love each and every one of you" and this big black guy next to me shouts "Sing Bitch!"
ll Bailey: I lose commitment in a joke, I'll give you an example. Three men go into a bar, one of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene plays out with a tedious inevitability.
